It’s been almost a month since I welcomed my 30s, and I have been meaning to write this blog for weeks now. But alas, every time I open the Word document and start writing, no words come to me—or actually, so many thoughts come that I am not able to catch ’em all. I just have so many things that I want to reflect on and write about that I get exhausted just thinking about it. Anyway, here is my nth attempt at finally writing this blog. Hopefully, I will be successful this time around.

So let’s begin…

30

Three. Zero.

It is no wonder that a lot of people tend to fear this age. I feel like it forces them to think about and reflect on the past decade of their lives—and by doing that, it gives them answers. Real, uncomfortable answers about where and who they are now. The thing about answers is that they lead to more questions. That’s when the worry spiral starts. Questions come flooding in, like: Where do we go from here? What do we really want? Do we need to buy a house, have six-digit savings, and build a family?

These are fearsome questions that add nothing but pressure on ourselves.

But let me make myself clear: I AM NOT IMMUNE TO THIS.

Though I want to say that I am not bothered by societal expectations, I unfortunately am—well, sometimes. In the months leading up to my birthday, these kinds of questions kept swirling in my mind. I felt the pressure of life and of people’s expectations of me, especially since I am a woman in her 30s living independently—which is (unfortunately still) quite unusual where I’m from.

But let me make myself clear again: IT WILL NOT STOP ME FROM ENJOYING MY BIRTHDAY—AND MY 30s.

I didn’t have an easy teenage life, and I certainly didn’t have it easy in my 20s either. My life was filled with pain, loss, a sense of lack, and simply trying to survive and make it through on my own. Looking back, those years formed such a great part of who I am today—it is because I experienced great loss and pain at an early age that I learned how to endure and carry my troubled heart with grace; it is because I was unsure of myself that I am sure of myself now.

This is why I chose to celebrate my birthday simply.

Aside from buying myself a nice bottle of wine and a huge Toblerone, and lighting some birthday candles for my birthday wish, I just stayed home with my dogs—reading, playing games, watching anime, writing myself a letter, cooking my favorite food, watching my sunlit room, and visiting an old favorite café in town. These are all normal things that I do on normal days, but these are also the things that make me happy. And it is enough 😊

My heart is filled with so much gratitude for all the people who have been with me in my 20s (most especially my family and friends. I love you all), for those I have had to bid farewell to (I remember each and every one of you, and the memories we share will always be treasured and kept safe in my heart), and for my Tatay (your love always shines through, whatever age I am. I love you so much).

30.

Three. Zero.

I do not fear you now.

You are proof of the long-winded road I have taken—and the long-winded road still ahead of me.

And that is kind of exciting!